None of my exes live in Texas

Things I would say to my exes

Well, there aren't that many of you out there, which I suppose is good.

To my first, I'm sorry I ended things in such a haphazard way. I really didn't know any better. You treated me pretty bad for the next 2 years though and that convinced me that it was the right move to make.

To my first college girlfriend, ok, you were just crazy. I believe history proves me right, as you left the LDS church and became a Wiccan. However, I will never forget the lasagna you cooked for me where you put in garlic salt instead of garlic powder so that it ended up with twice as much salt.

To Ericka: I dated you one summer, found you to be a spoiled little rich girl with narcissistic tendencies. You did not seem to care for me all that much, so I was happy to go back to school after that summer. The next summer, you seemed to have a change of heart, so we got back together. Then I found out it was all an act, and you were just playing with me. You get bonus points for messing up a date I went on a year later. You told her I only dated you to sleep with you. (Which I did not, and we had even had a discussion about how it was not going to happen.) Badly done, Ericka. Badly done.

To my last college girlfriend, I am so sorry. You were so nice to me and a real sweetheart and a great cook, and I just threw that all away. At the time, it seemed like a good decision. You were not interested in even investigating the church and that was very important to me. And so I left town, to head to Utah, and you married my high school friend. (I'm sorry about that, too, it can't have been easy.)